International Joke Day (1st July): Best Insurance Jokes

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Best Insurance Jokes 

International joke day is fast approaching - just as well considering how testy things are at the moment, what with disgruntled remain voters and the untimely demise of England’s hapless footballers. With the prospect of such a welcome relief to all the misery, we’ve put together a few insurance-related jokes to cheer you all up. Believe it or not, some are actually quite funny, while others... Well, it depends on what you find humorous.

Immortal One-Liners

  • Insurance agents never retire, they just expire.
  • Insurance agents are premium lovers.
  • Medical insurance allows people to be ill at ease.
  • Life insurance is the kind of policy which keeps you poor throughout your life so that you can die rich.
  • My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other - so now we’re both playing a waiting game.

Comical Q and As

  • What do accountants use for birth control? Their personality.
  • Why won’t sharks attack brokers? Professional courtesy.
  • Why is a hospital gown like insurance? Because you’re never covered as much as you think you are.
  • What’s the difference between a man and a full life insurance policy? The latter eventually matures.
  • What do women and insurance have in common? They are both expensive and difficult to understand.
  • How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year?

Jokes requiring a longer attention span

  • I recently attended an interview for the role of an insurance salesman. On the application form, for the part which says ‘prior experience’, I wrote ‘Lifeguard’. The interviewer told me that they were looking for someone who was not merely able to sell insurance but who could also sell himself. So he asked me how being a lifeguard related to salesmanship. I told him that I couldn’t swim. I got the job.
  • Once upon a time, in a far-away land, there were three extremely unfortunate men who had been sentenced to death by guillotine. When the time had come for execution, the first man walks forward and places his head in the guillotine. The executioner drops the blade but incredibly, it stops millimetres from the man’s neck. In response, the King states: ‘Under the laws of my kingdom, if a guillotine fails, then the condemned man must be freed. So you are therefore free to go.’ So the man gets up and walks away, amazed that he’s managed to avoid almost certain death. The second man steps forward to take his place. Once more, the blade stops millimetres above the man’s neck. The king again declares: “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job then you must be freed so you are free to go.” Then the third man, who happens to be an actuary, approaches and puts his head into the guillotine. Just before the executioner drops the blade, he looks up and says, ‘I think I see what the problem is...’

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